Arson and Fugue (prev. Eventually)

[gruff]

Edit 1

I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, forgetting how to play,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, out the door.

the roar y of fire  o   pounds  u   my mind
thick  you    smoke you   fills  you   my lungs
muscles  y  seize   as  o  I   go  u  blind
choking uuu on uu a uu swollen uuu tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.






Original


I tried to write a song for you today,
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.

Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.

the roar of fire    pounds     my mind
thick    smoke    filling     my lungs
muscles    seize    as    I     go  blind
choking    on a swollen     tongue

If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.

Hello  David_Kaine

I've been reading this today starting with the first Edit. Stanza 3, especially, seemed original and ambitious in the sonnet and I like the idea.
I'm no expert, but will leave a few thoughts below and hope they might be useful if you're still revising.

"And there I stared, forgetting how to play," the assonance between there/stared is quite nice here, but I wonder if there's better than "And there", e.g. something like "poised", that shows how the N is "there staring"

"across the floor, the curtains, out the door." To me, "out" seems to stretch the meter a little,  (I may be wrong, but) "to the door" read a little easier. Either way, I wonder if you could use this line to build up to the choking fire more - the only suggestion we have so far is the "blazing" of the chord - maybe that could start to take hold here

I like the interjections of the "choking" and even breaking the meter a little to simulate it in the last stanza. However, the last line feels a little too stretched to me - I'm out of breath before nearing the end - maybe a couple of more aspirated breaths in there, such as huu, would help? Assuming, that is, I'm reading it correctly, which I might not be.