01-06-2026, 10:24 AM
Hello
The title was possibly chosen to point to the central metaphor of the poem. As for drawing the reader in, I don't think it does that if that was your intent. It looks like you may be going for a Shakespearean sonnet here so I will comment as if that is the goal.
L2 here has 6 feet so there is a metric issue. I don't have an issue with the slant rhyme. Finally we get a little enjambment on raised so that is nice. Logically, how high does a fist need to be to crash down on a chord? That is an issue. The chord - strike then sets the room on fire which is fine with me.
so, your meter kind of gets lost here - you go from Iambic Pentameter for the first full 2 S's to L1 - tetrameter, L2 - trimeter, L3 tetrameter, L4 trimeter. From a metric standpoint, I would consider fixing this to standard IP throughout. Also, "filling" would be better as "fills". From a narrative standpoint, our N now is struggling with smoke, muscle paralysis, blindness and his tongue swells. This is going to be a problem.
Here we find our summary couplet. For meter, we have tetrameter and then back to IP to finish it. From a reader's point of view, I would enjoy it more as standard IP throughout.
For our narration, our N went to write a song, hit the piano, everything burst into flames, they suffered from smoke induced paralysis, asphyxia and blindness and now I am guessing "world still spins" is a metaphor for death so that is a pretty big concern.
I like the central metaphor of a song writer imagining losing control so fiercely they bring their world crashing down. I don't know if the dramatic hyperbole is adding as much as the simple image but I thin kit works fine.
Thank you for posting
The title was possibly chosen to point to the central metaphor of the poem. As for drawing the reader in, I don't think it does that if that was your intent. It looks like you may be going for a Shakespearean sonnet here so I will comment as if that is the goal.
(01-06-2026, 07:45 AM)David_Kaine Wrote: I tried to write a song for you today,It is an interesting opening image. So, we have a piano player, attempting to write a song. I am assuming the rotting legs is a metaphor, I guess for the struggle to right the target a song. The rhymes are fine though no problems there though not necessarily very challenging. Each line is end stopped which is technically fine but you may consider some enjambment to bring interest to the reading.
my fingers resting gently on the keys.
And there I stared, my legs rotting away,
elbows sinking slowly to my knees.
Quote:Eventually I formed a fist, and raised
it high enough to crash down on a chord,
a resonating energy that blazed
across the floor, the curtains, to the door.
L2 here has 6 feet so there is a metric issue. I don't have an issue with the slant rhyme. Finally we get a little enjambment on raised so that is nice. Logically, how high does a fist need to be to crash down on a chord? That is an issue. The chord - strike then sets the room on fire which is fine with me.
Quote:the roar of fire pounds my mind
thick smoke filling my lungs
muscles seize as I go blind
choking on a swollen tongue
so, your meter kind of gets lost here - you go from Iambic Pentameter for the first full 2 S's to L1 - tetrameter, L2 - trimeter, L3 tetrameter, L4 trimeter. From a metric standpoint, I would consider fixing this to standard IP throughout. Also, "filling" would be better as "fills". From a narrative standpoint, our N now is struggling with smoke, muscle paralysis, blindness and his tongue swells. This is going to be a problem.
Quote:If I wake up to see the world still spins,
I dont expect to ever sing again.
Here we find our summary couplet. For meter, we have tetrameter and then back to IP to finish it. From a reader's point of view, I would enjoy it more as standard IP throughout.
For our narration, our N went to write a song, hit the piano, everything burst into flames, they suffered from smoke induced paralysis, asphyxia and blindness and now I am guessing "world still spins" is a metaphor for death so that is a pretty big concern.
I like the central metaphor of a song writer imagining losing control so fiercely they bring their world crashing down. I don't know if the dramatic hyperbole is adding as much as the simple image but I thin kit works fine.
Thank you for posting