01-04-2026, 02:10 AM
This is indeed really good, I like it a lot.
Every stanza is anchored by a solid lucid scene (entropy melting castles, rotting teeth of ships, pearls of oxygen, seasons matching footfalls), the ending warps back to the beginning in a nice and casual twist, the language is imaginative and retains the particular appeal-styled narrative through the whole text.
It wholly depends on what kind of scenery you were intending it to be. Personally, I don't see any issues with the wording here, because I can show you photos that match it precisely. But if ships weren't your idea, then try something like yacht, schooner, yawl, seine, clipper, or just fishing boat. There's also cutter.
It is the first thing I wrote unprompted in over 5 years and I felt rusty, like I was struggling to find the language or the metaphorsI feel you, the last time I wrote something extempore was in 2023, the penultimate one in 2012. The stability of everyday life feels like the death of inspiration. Reminds me of these song lyrics:
Every stanza is anchored by a solid lucid scene (entropy melting castles, rotting teeth of ships, pearls of oxygen, seasons matching footfalls), the ending warps back to the beginning in a nice and casual twist, the language is imaginative and retains the particular appeal-styled narrative through the whole text.
(01-03-2026, 02:13 AM)milo Wrote: You are definitely correct here. I don't think boats is good enough either. Ideally, I would like a vessel type that would point to average, mediocre, insignificant, etc. I considered "junks" but I felt it anchored the poem in China which I did not want. Any thoughts on a type of boat?"
It wholly depends on what kind of scenery you were intending it to be. Personally, I don't see any issues with the wording here, because I can show you photos that match it precisely. But if ships weren't your idea, then try something like yacht, schooner, yawl, seine, clipper, or just fishing boat. There's also cutter.
(01-03-2026, 02:13 AM)milo Wrote:
It is the first thing I wrote unprompted in over 5 years and I felt rusty, like I was struggling to find the language or the metaphorsI feel you, the last time I wrote something extempore was in 2023, the penultimate one in 2012. The stability of everyday life feels like the death of inspiration. Reminds me of these song lyrics:
Quote:"Five hundred songs and nothing to say;
The sky is turning into a locked cage.
Same old words on a different paper.
A comical verse for those falling in an elevator."