Actuality

[milo]

Only walls are around and winter's outside.
Only, there's no way out, for many long years
You chase the mirage of true freedom and hide
From horrible nightmare in daydream frontiers.

Every wave that is crashing against the shore
Of the heart in the chest, stiffen and petrified,
Makes it just ever harder to have any hope or
To heartly believe in good turn of the tides.

To believe that some time or the other will crumble
This realm tightly chained in perpetual pain.
When the time doesn't heal you, but aimlessly stumble
Simply settling on windows of new flats again;

When the genuine stars are burning above you,
But their flicker disdains craving look of your eyes;
When you long lost the road back home from your tired view,
But, alas, only now managed to realise

That you're no longer able to pull back together
Yourself, 'cause there's nothing to pull any more,
Losing your mind to the hungering nether
You write down unsettling lexical gore —

This is all Actuality, piercing your daydreams,
Fills your fantasy world with its nightmarish show.
This bitter poison trapped in the blood stream
Will too never save you from this dreadful foe.

And you shall be breathing with smell of the summer
And alike with raw blanket of damp autumn earth.
It shall feed you the night dressed in very same glamour,
As the ships that were burning in skies for you both.

You shall gobble this wind interwoven with trickles
Of smoke from as if namely those cigarettes,
And web of the cold will again catch the ripple
Of the same winter morning's white light in its nets.

Every little detail rings with most bitter longing
And digs into the chest with a venomous sting.
Soul won't ever know peace, it is still firmly holding
This dire remembrance that no single thing

Could be ever brought back, not a day, not an instant,
Only mere spectral wraiths of ethereal dreams —
Its equivalent here just can not exist, and
As this life has died, so have you by all means.

Hello

I am going to come back to this after reading it a couple dozen more times and giving it time to digest but until then, I was wondering if you would be willing to post it in it's original language as well.

Thanks

So, here's the thing, the reason I asked for the original is because poetry (especially formal poetry) has strong concerns with idiomatic language, meter, rhymes, padding ,etc.

Generally, when I see foreign language idioms translated to English it sounds fresh and interesting to my ear.

That is mostly not the case here.

So, let me lay out the reasons I am struggling with this:

• I think this could be a strong poem
  
• I believe very strongly that the wrong from was chosen and that this should be in free verse.
  
• Much of the idiomatic speech comes across as stilted due to the adherence to a form structure that I think you are not familiar with in your native language.
  

So, I need your guidance on where to go from here.

I could do a "mechanical analysis" of the rhyme and meter or, we could consider what this would look like as free verse.

Let me know what you are looking for here and I will taylor my response to fit your needs

Thanks