12-30-2025, 12:45 AM
Hello
Liminality is actually a new word for me and it is a good one at that, the definition is an ambiguous transitional state kind of like between 2 distinct phases. Obviously where we get subliminal from. It reminds me of "entre chien et loup" which we discussed somewhat on this board.
there is some confusion here. children are launching screams from park swings or are they launching? The first just means they are screaming but the strophe definitely ends suggesting they are jumping from swings. It seems likely they are consistently screaming and launching. Also, shouldn't the children be in bed at night or at least home? I mean it is a transition period so I suppose it is dusk and they are not ready to go in yet. The explication here seems to dramatic for what is supporting it
it still feels metric though heavily substituted. If the poem as a whole had a predominant meter it would be easier to pinpoint here. The first line is perfect amphibrachic (there once was a man from nantucket) while the other 2 are roughly iambic with spondee subs. It is possible the first line would be a continuation of anapestic with a catalexis (x da dum da da dum da da dum)
Once again we have your meter games, anapestic, anapestic, iambic/anapestic
It's hard to believe but I actually wrote this exact same meter into a poem once
Once again, good attention to sound throughout here. Linebreaks are nice.
It is around here that the investment in scene-setting becomes obvious. Is this a poem or a poetic vignette?
The imagery is strong and well painted through here, no issues with ambiguity like the children launching their screams.
So throughout reads I kind of vacillated between a moment trapped in time (embracing the liminality) and just a well written vignette about the time between dusk and dark at a local park.
The read is enjoyable but at the end I do feel a bit empty. It feels a little like an experienced writer flexing his poetic muscle but I am still waiting for the volta.
Overall, it is nice but - and this is unjustified criticism - I feel like it could/should be so much more. liminality being a park post dusk - maybe a metaphor for the state between wake/sleep (it has a nice dreamlike feel) or something else, I am not sure, just that the concept has so much potential and I am not sure it is fully realized here.
Still, thanks for the read, I enjoyed
Liminality is actually a new word for me and it is a good one at that, the definition is an ambiguous transitional state kind of like between 2 distinct phases. Obviously where we get subliminal from. It reminds me of "entre chien et loup" which we discussed somewhat on this board.
(12-04-2025, 08:29 AM)JC_Chalant Wrote: The ball court’s rusted hoops, stoopedThe sonics throughout are pleasant, you have obviously paid attention to the sound. Line breaks are solid. You are also doing an odd thing with the meter throughout and I don't know if it is intentional or not as it isn't held to so I am not sure if you want comments on it. For the first triplet, we get iambic, anapestic, iambic. Now you may just land here naturally due to the assonance but it is strange enough to call out. "moon - cloud shadows" is nice, nice break as well. I have a standing distrust with anthropomorphism but it doesnt seem to be an issue here.
under the weight of dusk, watch the moon-
cloud shadows swoop across concrete.
Quote:Nearby, in the dark, children launch
screams from park swings and flail, awkward
as mid-flight moth wings, before pinpoint landings.
there is some confusion here. children are launching screams from park swings or are they launching? The first just means they are screaming but the strophe definitely ends suggesting they are jumping from swings. It seems likely they are consistently screaming and launching. Also, shouldn't the children be in bed at night or at least home? I mean it is a transition period so I suppose it is dusk and they are not ready to go in yet. The explication here seems to dramatic for what is supporting it
it still feels metric though heavily substituted. If the poem as a whole had a predominant meter it would be easier to pinpoint here. The first line is perfect amphibrachic (there once was a man from nantucket) while the other 2 are roughly iambic with spondee subs. It is possible the first line would be a continuation of anapestic with a catalexis (x da dum da da dum da da dum)
Quote:Underneath the pagoda, teens smoke marijuana
and the skunky aroma wafts strong as their coughs
across the trail where the wind picks up over the stream.
Once again we have your meter games, anapestic, anapestic, iambic/anapestic
It's hard to believe but I actually wrote this exact same meter into a poem once
Once again, good attention to sound throughout here. Linebreaks are nice.
It is around here that the investment in scene-setting becomes obvious. Is this a poem or a poetic vignette?
The imagery is strong and well painted through here, no issues with ambiguity like the children launching their screams.
Quote:Deer in the low grass stare, heads turned,
white tails bare, until I’ve stepped too near
and they zip away quicker than sparks disappear.
So throughout reads I kind of vacillated between a moment trapped in time (embracing the liminality) and just a well written vignette about the time between dusk and dark at a local park.
The read is enjoyable but at the end I do feel a bit empty. It feels a little like an experienced writer flexing his poetic muscle but I am still waiting for the volta.
Overall, it is nice but - and this is unjustified criticism - I feel like it could/should be so much more. liminality being a park post dusk - maybe a metaphor for the state between wake/sleep (it has a nice dreamlike feel) or something else, I am not sure, just that the concept has so much potential and I am not sure it is fully realized here.
Still, thanks for the read, I enjoyed