12-14-2025, 05:00 PM
(12-14-2025, 11:04 AM)tweetywrites Wrote: I love the opening! I would say the poem could be strengthened by tightening the language. Phrases like "And through all this" make the poem stray away from your extended metaphor. I think this line "And through all this I hear the sound of what is to achieve, as I am overbeared by the flash of the camera marking my unremarkable voyage as a moment to remember, where I cope in formation of a nihilistic ritual" contains too many ideas. Using line breaks and silence to your advantage more could really elevate this poem ! For the ending, I think instead of just repeating the beginning, you should take it further or transform it to add more depth.Thanks so much for replying. This is still sort of a rough cut, there are definitely tweaks to be made. The line your mentioned is something I definitely wanted to change, i may try to split some of the ideas up or remove or shorten them. I originally did have the ending as an extention, but I personally prefered the blunter ending of what I have now. Thanks for your words!