(content) a paper bed, a paper gown (farming meat animals, discussion of death, MRIs)

[thewilderhen]

My wife and I raise meat rabbits.
Someone on a TV show
said, “Bunnies. They just want to die”
and it’s true.
Like the open but if “bunnies just want to die” is your theme remember to stick to that throughout.

We haven’t gotten to the meat
part yet.
I would drop this sentence it’s not necessary and breaks the 4th wall for no particular reason.

13 live births, 2 still
1 eaten by its mother
(they do that when they’re poorly)
then 1 could not nurse
2 dead in the night
3 when they were weaned.
I like that you grounded the poem with details. Grounding makes more ethereal parts in a poem stand out more in general.

Each body gets a shroud
of paper towel
and I think how death
can tell a story.
Nice.

Like how at 27 I worked
a summer in hospice
and listened to a man
cry “I’m dying” but he
said it as if warning
the living to get out
of his way.
Love this. Very original.


Or how my friend died
at 13 in a house fire
shielding her little sister’s
bones.
need another line here or even a word to connect like your first example of the hospice patient
to your overall theme that bunnies want to die. Like the sister “gladly” protected her sister accepting death.

Or how last Tuesday
the MRI sang for me
again like one half
of a waulking song a
call-and-response
the sky above painted
on the ceiling for the
claustrophobics the
weeping range of
the sky.
The imagery is cool but it gets away from the theme of acceptance of death.

And now the rabbits
are both living and
dying with eyes like coal and
my coworkers say meat rabbits
are giving post-apocalyptic vibes
This stanza loses me. Not sure what it has to do with your theme.

but they don’t know
how death can be so simple
wrapped in paper.
I like the “simple wrapped in paper” but the ending doesn’t really tie everything together. Where did you address simplicity in the poem. I like the idea but you need to include simplicity in the body.

Really like this poem! Keep working on it!

____________________________

Critics, have at it! My specific questions: is this like, too much, man? And if so, what can I cut? (Also looking for whatever else you have to say!)

I understand where you’re coming from. I think you might be reading this poem as if it has a single thesis. But poems don’t really have theses in this way, they’re more fluid. So yes, although this poem is about rabbits I challenge you to read a bit deeper. Also, just to let you know: this poem is autobiographical. My friend did not die gladly. No 13 year old dies gladly. It’s ok because you didn’t know, but next time please think about your choice of words.