12-07-2025, 06:50 AM
As thickets cloak the moon in spring
Two worlds exist in mirrored aim
The crickets shrill to forest king
Alone and proud, of crouching frame
The prize then takes to frantic flight
With aching hinds its breath aflame
Both mirth and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game
A rip and tear of vital vein
Of worlds that were now one remains
To live, to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gains
Hello. Looking for metrical tips and hints to polish out this poem. Some questions:
Two worlds exist in mirrored aim
The crickets shrill to forest king
Alone and proud, of crouching frame
The prize then takes to frantic flight
With aching hinds its breath aflame
Both mirth and misery, bound in rite
Together meld in sacred game
A rip and tear of vital vein
Of worlds that were now one remains
To live, to take, to live again
To wheel the world through costly gains
Hello. Looking for metrical tips and hints to polish out this poem. Some questions:
- In line 2, would "Two worlds" count as a spondee?
- Do you think "crouching" in line 3 should be swapped out for another word? I am thinking of "lethal", "skulking", "hidden". Open to suggestions.
- Does line 7 "Both mirth" count as a spondee?
- Would reading line 10 "Of worlds that were now one remains" iambically be strange to you?
- How do you feel about the rhyme scheme, especially in the final stanza?
- Of course any criticism or observations of any type are welcome.