Liminality At The Park

[busker]

The ball court’s rusted hoops, stooped 
under the weight of dusk, watch the moon-
cloud shadows swoop across concrete. … not sure about “under the weight of” is. Why is the dusk heavy? While lots of possibilities exist, the question isn’t explored in the rest of the poem, and this line remains a puzzling, weak metaphor. Otherwise, a fine opening 

Nearby, in the dark, children launch 
screams from park swings and flail, awkward
as mid-flight moth wings, before pinpoint landings. … this is excellent. My only grouse is the simile of children as moth wings rather than moths.

Underneath the pagoda, teens smoke marijuana
and the skunky aroma wafts strong as their coughs
across the trail where the wind picks up over the stream. …. This too is excellent 

Deer in the low grass stare, heads turned,
white tails bare, until I’ve stepped too near
and they zip away quicker than sparks disappear. … the ending doesn’t quite do it for me. It’s disconnected from the rest of the poem, and makes it read like a shopping list of individual observations 

Hi JC - this is a fine poem, but lacks a certain unity