11-29-2025, 09:58 PM
Sun ghosts grey through
blue-hazed diesel fumes.
Sideways she pushes through, apologizing, if the next line is "no belonging" (as opposed to "not belonging") then i think the comma would be better replaced by a semi-colon (or em dash)
no belonging here.
Apple-sweet aromas of plastic-wrapped decay
spill from shadowed lanes.
Bile rises, swallowed hard.
There’s a pigeon, neck-broken, interesting choice to start with "There's", as opposed to just "A pigeon, neck-broken, / lies by glass tower doors"
lying by glass tower doors.
Salt-clammy sweat stings
on blotched-red AC-prickled arms.
No salve for her skin.
Grumbling offroaders block her crossing,
horns blasting.
Black-tinted window slides down, again, i think a semi-colon would be better than a comma
a standing child, watching. is the standing child in the car with the slid down window? who stands in a car? or are they similarly on the street or sidewalk? if the latter, unclear why they are in the same sentence as the car
Not her baby, home.
One will die. agree with previous commenter that this and the preceding line are the crux of the poem, though also that they are very ambiguous. The previous sentence does not even have a verb, or a clear indication of how "home" relates to "Not her baby".
Deep-growled acceleration scythes
through embalming air.
She gasps.
Brakes squeal. Brakes squealing indicate an attempt to mitigate what is being done, and making that the ending (i preferred the ending in version 1) feels like pulling back.
blue-hazed diesel fumes.
Sideways she pushes through, apologizing, if the next line is "no belonging" (as opposed to "not belonging") then i think the comma would be better replaced by a semi-colon (or em dash)
no belonging here.
Apple-sweet aromas of plastic-wrapped decay
spill from shadowed lanes.
Bile rises, swallowed hard.
There’s a pigeon, neck-broken, interesting choice to start with "There's", as opposed to just "A pigeon, neck-broken, / lies by glass tower doors"
lying by glass tower doors.
Salt-clammy sweat stings
on blotched-red AC-prickled arms.
No salve for her skin.
Grumbling offroaders block her crossing,
horns blasting.
Black-tinted window slides down, again, i think a semi-colon would be better than a comma
a standing child, watching. is the standing child in the car with the slid down window? who stands in a car? or are they similarly on the street or sidewalk? if the latter, unclear why they are in the same sentence as the car
Not her baby, home.
One will die. agree with previous commenter that this and the preceding line are the crux of the poem, though also that they are very ambiguous. The previous sentence does not even have a verb, or a clear indication of how "home" relates to "Not her baby".
Deep-growled acceleration scythes
through embalming air.
She gasps.
Brakes squeal. Brakes squealing indicate an attempt to mitigate what is being done, and making that the ending (i preferred the ending in version 1) feels like pulling back.