Inside a Day

[RichardBosten]

Substantial improvements, I think.  I'm again a bit concerned about possible forced rhyme ("tease") in the final stanza and - a minor point - I believe it should be "Heaven's" (possessive) or at least "heavens' " (plural and possessive).  Inclusion of some punctuation does help.  And (now you're using it) a comma - or em dash - after "wisdom" in S3 would help the reader sustain the rhythm.

Coming along nicely.

Thanks for the feedback. 
I'm on the fence with tease/ease . It does come off a little forced  but I also kind of like the line -heaven's  celestial tease... hhmmm
Punctuation is not my strong suite . I am working on it however. 

Maybe ill edit the last line to a soft rhyme or slant?  Its getting close i feel.

Hmm, for myself, the celestial part was a bit disruptive to the overall meter? Also, in the third stanza: "Surely she would answer fair", feels like there is one too many syllables in there. Breaking the rhythm is great, but since it's so strong over the rest of the piece those two lines just jar me a bit. for celestial, I almost want it to say celest'ial, (some version of that with a rhythmic notation) similar to a hymn book or chorus notation. That may be feedback with me. I love the use of the word celestial there! you could use heaven's celestial breeze? ease or tease work, but between the two I'm partial to "heaven's celest'ial tease". (Again, idk on the notation, just a personal preference).

Either way, I love the piece! Looking to the heavens for answers and meditating on the difficulty of no solid answers, a jaunty rhythm and lovely imagery!

I played around with it a little last night here is another version....... 

 I lost the day inside a dream.
The dream inside a day.
I lost the hours in a glass.
The sands had passed away.

I ask the stars to teach me.
"To where the day has gone ?"
Seven sisters answered;
dancing all along.

I begged the moon for wisdom.
Surely, she to answer fair.
Waning in her brilliance;
had little light to share.

I lost the night to wander;
upon celestial seas.
Found the day in breaking waves;
Upon the shore of dreams.

Thank you again for the kind words and suggestions.