Yesterday, 06:05 AM
(Yesterday, 01:33 AM)Quicksilver Wrote: The sun beams at meIn mild critique, this is evocative and suitably dreamy. As noted above, I have some trouble with the time sequence of events (even thoughts and emotions are linear that way). As a matter of style, you don't over-use "the" as some do but you might seek alternatives to "A" especially at line beginnings. Are there places where "A" can be omitted, replaced with further descriptive words (e.g. "paper reminder of peace")? Parallelisms have their place, but so has variety.
A far-off candle’s spotlight seen
Via gradient of eyelid veins
I am still
Breathing in silence, expectant "still/breathing" is nice
An afternoon’s overture begins to rise reference to afternoon is puzzling, looking forward to "First of the day" later
Car horns blare in opening
Wood winds play with flame-bright leaves
A snare drum rallentando of stranger’s steps the steps are slowing... why?
The orchestra sits as audience
Performance in the round reversed
I am on stage, in spotlight center
My nerves vibrate slowly, tugged by the breeze
A melodious harp of my own sinew
Harmonizes with muscles to ease their grip an interesting conceit - hearer as ground zero of the performance
A loosened breath
First of the day see above vs. afternoon, is this a new day?
A note in a symphonic swell
Then
burbled
electronic trills.
A notification from my responsible self cell phone...
I return to the shade of the building ...so he can see the display
My fingers seek a warm portion of my pocket
Remaining heat from sunlight perhaps "Retaining" but this is fine, too
Clings to the leather of my coat
As a folded program, or ticket stub the warm spot is the memento
A reminder of peace
I find it, and hold it
Long after I can recall the tune ok, there are two points in time here, humming and not recalling. Too much present tense?
I find myself humming
Without knowing why
The title (unless it refers to a particular song, group, or concert) is a little opaque (g). Thoughts are like that, and sunlight fits, too. But there's no firm connection to the body of the poem otherwise - or I'm just missing it. The rest of the metaphors are musical... perhaps the title could be, too?
Non-practicing atheist

