11-25-2025, 11:50 AM
Thanks for sharing this -- I really enjoyed the train/thought concept.
I love the lines: Where is the thought I summoned?/What has become of him? These lines really work and stick in my head.
The iambic rhythm works well for the train.
Suitcase (unless you were writing it 'suit case' for a reason?)
The line "He boarded train on time" doesn't work as well as it should - it sounds off, and I think it lets the rest of the stanza down.
"whistle blew aloud" - is awkward to me because saying a whistle blows "aloud" is kind of stating the obvious? Sorry if that's pedantic. Maybe "blew so loud"?
I would have "he settled in for travel".
Thanks again for sharing this -- it has given me an idea for a very iambic poem about train travel
I love the lines: Where is the thought I summoned?/What has become of him? These lines really work and stick in my head.
The iambic rhythm works well for the train.
Suitcase (unless you were writing it 'suit case' for a reason?)
The line "He boarded train on time" doesn't work as well as it should - it sounds off, and I think it lets the rest of the stanza down.
"whistle blew aloud" - is awkward to me because saying a whistle blows "aloud" is kind of stating the obvious? Sorry if that's pedantic. Maybe "blew so loud"?
I would have "he settled in for travel".
Thanks again for sharing this -- it has given me an idea for a very iambic poem about train travel