11-20-2025, 01:54 AM
nice poem and imagery! here is some feedback:
(11-16-2025, 07:17 PM)sun_sparks Wrote: Embalming air
Sun ghosts grey through
blue-hazed diesel fumes. i like this imagery
She apologises through a group; unclear what this means -- it conjures up apology through a group-chat, which i am not sure is correct (and also is not very evocative)
alien here.
Apple-sweet aromas of plastic-wrapped
decay spill from shadowed lanes—
bile rises, swallowed hard. this is great, but should it be "aromas" or "aroma"?
Salt-clammy sweat stings
on blister-flushed AC-prickled skin. what does blister-flushed mean? can one just say blistered? and normally most of your skin won't have blisters, so what's going on? sun-blistered?
She squeezes between jammed SUVs this might be stronger without specifying "she"? "Squeezes (or squeezing) between ..." ? needs ending comma, too
horns erupting in frustration needs ending comma
followed by the eyes of a child from the sunroof beside. could be reworded to be stronger, passive verb + detail about the sunroof (and the fact that it is beside) clutter the meaning here
Deep-growled acceleration scythes
through grime-textured air.
Brakes
squeal.
She turns to witness
the world dying so far so good, though i am not very good at judging enjambment
in irrevocable motion. again, feel this could be reworded to make it stronger