F*ck it all
#5
(10-12-2025, 08:47 PM)Jebus dinglberry Wrote:  Fuck it all!

I am afflicted, not disabled, difrently abled yet labled, As a fellow person who is "difrently abled", I appreciated this opening line, while not necessarily agreeing with the language. "difrently abled yet labled" resonates strongly
My experience leaving naught but disdain, 
For what constitutes the contingents of love and respect, 
Not of mine, Don't you dare think I'm the same,

Don't dare to be different, just stay in your lane,
And do as you're told all along,
The authorities know best, don't dare to contest,
We'll beat you till you say you're wrong,

What I'm getting at here is what's with the jeer,
And the cheers and laughter and song,
Surrounding the treatment of those who are different, 
Fuck your idles and rulers and god, I really like the flow from this stanza to the next. Could you play with a comma here to help? "Fuck your idles and rulers and, God, / so I'm not like you" 

So I'm not like you, that much we've made clear,
Though who's to say which one's right and who's wrong,
Just let me live life less your bullshit and leers,
Ask yourself which of us hurts no one.
I like the message of this poem, but it lacks perhaps some specificity to make it real to those who haven't experienced these challenges. You have a gift for language - the line "the jeer, and the cheers and laughter and song" has a lovely meter to it. 

I'd suggest two things: 1. Look at the capitalization of each line and the commas at the end of each line. Sometimes these interrupt the flow. Commas work well when they slow down the reading. I know there's debate on first line capitalization that is above my experience level! 2. See what you can do about the last line - it falls flat. Your rhyming has been consistent throughout and the lack of rhyme here hurts the end and removes the impact.
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Messages In This Thread
F*ck it all - by Jebus dinglberry - 10-12-2025, 08:47 PM
RE: F*ck it all - by whisperer - 10-18-2025, 10:13 PM
RE: F*ck it all - by tun - 10-21-2025, 04:56 AM
RE: F*ck it all - by l.i.am - 11-08-2025, 08:41 AM
RE: F*ck it all - by sun_sparks - 11-11-2025, 04:14 PM



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