11-08-2025, 08:41 AM
Hello!
Interesting piece, I think you have a compelling message perhaps marred by a bit too direct language, particularly in the final stanza where it feels almost like I'm reading a private message rather than a poem, additionally in that it lacks any rhyme or clear meter. I found it a bit hard to follow the meter overall throughout, but that could also just be me not quite hearing the music, if it's there. I think you should revisit and try to tighten up the consistency, particularly when it comes to the amount of syllables/metrical feet present per line as it varies wildly enough to be jarring at least for me. Another suggestion is to give something visual for the speaker to hold onto, reading this kind of feels like I'm speaking into a well - just a simple thread to guide the speaker along the piece would do wonders.
Interesting piece, I think you have a compelling message perhaps marred by a bit too direct language, particularly in the final stanza where it feels almost like I'm reading a private message rather than a poem, additionally in that it lacks any rhyme or clear meter. I found it a bit hard to follow the meter overall throughout, but that could also just be me not quite hearing the music, if it's there. I think you should revisit and try to tighten up the consistency, particularly when it comes to the amount of syllables/metrical feet present per line as it varies wildly enough to be jarring at least for me. Another suggestion is to give something visual for the speaker to hold onto, reading this kind of feels like I'm speaking into a well - just a simple thread to guide the speaker along the piece would do wonders.