11-06-2025, 09:27 AM
I rather like this one, altho it feels more like a monologue you might give as part of a performance than a poem per se. The character's voice is very clear, and it is fun to read, but there is not really much to hang on to beyond the vibe. It flows well until you get to the last couple of lines, where it feels like you ran out of steam. Your line breaks are good and seem to follow a natural rhythm, and you have good comic timing. The vernacular is good, and the collision of tough-guy nickname with literary surname is ridiculous in a good way. There are some filler lines that could be replaced by something more concrete, to give the poem a memorable image that might stay with the reader. Filler is part of spoken dialogue, ofc, but it does not belong in a poem, even one mimicking the cadence of natural speech.
In terms of imagery, there is only one line: “flick me a seven-piece / over the other eye”. This is a violent and interesting image, and also the bets line in the poem because it is the only one that gives us something concrete to visualise. The poem could use a lot more lines like this.
The sound and rhythm are great, they are your real strength in this piece. The internal rhyme is bouncy, the alliteration and compulsive repetition all go to paint a very vivid voice, it is just a shame this voice does not say anything that is impactful or arresting. The poem reads almost like a confession, there is an implication of guilt leading to denial and an identity spiral whihc hints at an interesting story, but we do not get the interesting part.
In all, I think you are doing Knuckles a disservice by not showing us him "in action", and by merely hinting obliquely at his story. A full poem in this voice could be very effective, but you need a lot more specific detail for the reader to visualise, his voice alone is not enough
In terms of imagery, there is only one line: “flick me a seven-piece / over the other eye”. This is a violent and interesting image, and also the bets line in the poem because it is the only one that gives us something concrete to visualise. The poem could use a lot more lines like this.
The sound and rhythm are great, they are your real strength in this piece. The internal rhyme is bouncy, the alliteration and compulsive repetition all go to paint a very vivid voice, it is just a shame this voice does not say anything that is impactful or arresting. The poem reads almost like a confession, there is an implication of guilt leading to denial and an identity spiral whihc hints at an interesting story, but we do not get the interesting part.
In all, I think you are doing Knuckles a disservice by not showing us him "in action", and by merely hinting obliquely at his story. A full poem in this voice could be very effective, but you need a lot more specific detail for the reader to visualise, his voice alone is not enough