11-04-2025, 05:20 AM
Hi Cait.05,
Welcome to the site!
Let you give you a suggestion. This reads like you're grasping to find the poem. Like it's an early free write still tied to a number of cliches and abstractions. What that means is you still haven't broken beneath the surface to get to what you're trying to say. The cliches are serving as a sort of shorthand. You ask in line 3 for instance is this what it felt like for you but when you lead with the first two lines there aren't any concrete details to help the reader feel a sensation. Remove the lines we've heard before and exchange them for something more sensory.
I could give you examples, but I don't want to plant anything in your mind too early.
Best,
Todd
Welcome to the site!
Let you give you a suggestion. This reads like you're grasping to find the poem. Like it's an early free write still tied to a number of cliches and abstractions. What that means is you still haven't broken beneath the surface to get to what you're trying to say. The cliches are serving as a sort of shorthand. You ask in line 3 for instance is this what it felt like for you but when you lead with the first two lines there aren't any concrete details to help the reader feel a sensation. Remove the lines we've heard before and exchange them for something more sensory.
I could give you examples, but I don't want to plant anything in your mind too early.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson