11-03-2025, 12:06 PM
I enjoyed your poem, you took us along your trip to the fabric store, and I think you captured your feelings well.
You asked for line breaks, so here are my suggestions:
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big / its so big. The first line break can be here, then the next one between -giant steps, by john coltrane, rendered in customer service tenor. / its so quiet
Another one maybe here: and there i was / something like a three foot kid, maybe the last one here -we all agree- something to roll around in. / i get light headed as i wander
I was a bit confused at some parts, when you said
i questioned my sanity when they said there's another in trussboro
-i repeat his words- another one in trussboro?
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big.
why were you surprised to find out there's another store? because of the size?
also I had to read this part multiple times to understand what you meant, maybe you could reword it?
one'd tilt out the rolls, just like one tilted a book out to see the back blurb
and to feel the velvet on the top in one of the aisles i had to stretch my arm up and kind of pull on them
I really like the ending and the part in the middle about overhearing their conversation; your imagery there is really good. I wouldn't have thought to write a poem about a fabric store, I think your poem is very creative and I liked it a lot!
You asked for line breaks, so here are my suggestions:
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big / its so big. The first line break can be here, then the next one between -giant steps, by john coltrane, rendered in customer service tenor. / its so quiet
Another one maybe here: and there i was / something like a three foot kid, maybe the last one here -we all agree- something to roll around in. / i get light headed as i wander
I was a bit confused at some parts, when you said
i questioned my sanity when they said there's another in trussboro
-i repeat his words- another one in trussboro?
-he's a step ahead of me- and just as big.
why were you surprised to find out there's another store? because of the size?
also I had to read this part multiple times to understand what you meant, maybe you could reword it?
one'd tilt out the rolls, just like one tilted a book out to see the back blurb
and to feel the velvet on the top in one of the aisles i had to stretch my arm up and kind of pull on them
I really like the ending and the part in the middle about overhearing their conversation; your imagery there is really good. I wouldn't have thought to write a poem about a fabric store, I think your poem is very creative and I liked it a lot!