Today, 02:56 AM
Hi Steve,
I've been away from poetry writing for four years now. To use the vernacular from my other clouds/anchors post that you referenced. This poem is mostly clouds. I'm hiding in the poem right now. I need to break it open more. I used to describe this sort of post from me as throat clearing to get to what I'm truly trying to say. I think some of these lines will exist somewhere in the revision, but I also think that I need to put more of the truths I'm hinting at more explicitly into the poem to make it stronger.
I'm never sure where the edit process will take me, but this feels like it was posted one edit too soon before it's shape could be defined properly. I probably would have known that if I hadn't been so rusty.
Not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I hope it does.
Best,
Todd
In the interest of my own edification, if you are so inclined, I wonder what it is about the poem that you find lacking. I've reread it in light of your post about 'clouds and anchors' and still find it very compelling as written. The opening lines about the spaces between words as a metaphor for a refuge from life is clever, especially coming from a presumed poet narrator(more could be done to bring that out). For me, the only anchor needed is the 'If not for my children' line and the rest can be parsed from there. It is the kind of line that will make most readers reread and think about how the rest of the poem fits around that line allowing the rest to be clouds.
Take care,
Steve
[/quote]
I've been away from poetry writing for four years now. To use the vernacular from my other clouds/anchors post that you referenced. This poem is mostly clouds. I'm hiding in the poem right now. I need to break it open more. I used to describe this sort of post from me as throat clearing to get to what I'm truly trying to say. I think some of these lines will exist somewhere in the revision, but I also think that I need to put more of the truths I'm hinting at more explicitly into the poem to make it stronger.
I'm never sure where the edit process will take me, but this feels like it was posted one edit too soon before it's shape could be defined properly. I probably would have known that if I hadn't been so rusty.
Not sure if that makes any sense at all, but I hope it does.
Best,
Todd
(Yesterday, 10:53 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: I think I'm probably going to reconstruct this in a different way.Hi Todd,
In the interest of my own edification, if you are so inclined, I wonder what it is about the poem that you find lacking. I've reread it in light of your post about 'clouds and anchors' and still find it very compelling as written. The opening lines about the spaces between words as a metaphor for a refuge from life is clever, especially coming from a presumed poet narrator(more could be done to bring that out). For me, the only anchor needed is the 'If not for my children' line and the rest can be parsed from there. It is the kind of line that will make most readers reread and think about how the rest of the poem fits around that line allowing the rest to be clouds.
Take care,
Steve
[/quote]
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson