Low self esteem

[Bitnee]

hey Bitnee,

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to offend you, and i'm not telling you to give up. I like the content of your poem, I think it cuts deep and has the potential to be powerful, but I also wouldn't consider it poetry in its current state. It's more like prose written in the form of a poem. As a fellow musician I could definitely see a song carved out of this, and yes this isn't intensive and I understand this is basic but it's still a critique forum, and basically this isn't a poem no matter how you cut it- and again- this isn't mean to offend or discourage you- quite the opposite. I am only recommending you read more poetry and because this is written like it's from a person who has never read a poem in their life.
P
Take the first line for example:


This would hit so much harder if you 'showed' the reader, rather than 'told' them (show, don't tell)

the idea is powerful, the presentation is not.

I hope this helps,
mike

Thanks it was more the don’t quit your day job line I hate people say to others. Tends to discourage. I do have a habit of prose fictional/ other  writing. I Now see it leaked into poetry. But see you gave actually critique feedback and that doesn’t hurt feelings. I guess it’s the way you bluntly started off and didn’t exactly point out what it was that I did to make
It not sound like a poem.
Thanks again

Yeah that was a bit crass, im sorry.

When I was a newb I spent quite a bit of time in the poetry practice exercises subforum, maybe try some of the exercises there? I was actually going to start going through the exercises myself, I havent studied poetry for years and the exercises are a great way to work on the technical things. If you can write a decent sonnet or a villanelle, then free verse starts to feel incredibly liberating!

I been looking on other websites and such for like poetry prompts for beginners I haven’t looks at the sub subform here but I’ll check it out thank you for that suggestion