Low self esteem

[Bitnee]

It's hard to respond to this without being an asshole, my advice would be don't quit your day job.

But also, I like this, in a weird way. I like how willing you are to portray and share your vulnerability. While everyone's out there putting a mask on, here's Bitnee, with an actual photo of herself, sharing a dark moment people would do anything to forget. There's something very beautiful and inspiring about that, even if the poem falls a little flat.

more advice: stop writing. Start reading. Then come back to this, and see what you manage to come up with.

Thanks for sharing,
mike

I’m writing for fun not to make a penny being a poet. I’m just getting started again so yeah I’m
Still going to write. I also still read. I haven’t written in years and I’m getting back into it I’m not a professional. I’m a musician over a lyricist. and not a professional one at that either. I don’t except to start writing and be amazing the first few times. This is basic critique not intense one so why tell an amateur to give up lol. Thanks for reading if it falls flat I like advice not hey you suck it falls flat stop writing. Give me something useful.

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When you're doing revisions it's usually good to edit the first post and post the revision above the original so people don't give you feedback on parts you've already changed (marked sort of like below).

Rev.1
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx

Original
xxx
xxx
xxx

You've started to add concrete examples. The next step in editing is brutality. Start cutting this to the bones. Ask yourself what is the point of each strophe? what work is it meant to do? Ask yourself am I using cliches (which are a form of shorthand that have lost their power to move us unless subverted)? 

then accomplish that work in the most efficient way without sacrificing tone. Really be ruthless. Again, this is basic so let's do this in steps. One other thing take your first line and try that as your title. Then you can launch right into an image or interesting part without feeling the need to set-up. Let the title do the exposition for you.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

Thanks Todd. I don’t know how to use this form yet about how to edit putting them in that order thanks for advice. Still learning to navigate. And thank you for actually giving me advice on making this poem better instead of others who give no advice just rude words that don’t help me in reconstructing a poem.