10-23-2025, 12:20 AM
When you're doing revisions it's usually good to edit the first post and post the revision above the original so people don't give you feedback on parts you've already changed (marked sort of like below).
Rev.1
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Original
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You've started to add concrete examples. The next step in editing is brutality. Start cutting this to the bones. Ask yourself what is the point of each strophe? what work is it meant to do? Ask yourself am I using cliches (which are a form of shorthand that have lost their power to move us unless subverted)?
then accomplish that work in the most efficient way without sacrificing tone. Really be ruthless. Again, this is basic so let's do this in steps. One other thing take your first line and try that as your title. Then you can launch right into an image or interesting part without feeling the need to set-up. Let the title do the exposition for you.
Just some thoughts,
Todd
Rev.1
xxxx
xxxx
xxxx
Original
xxx
xxx
xxx
You've started to add concrete examples. The next step in editing is brutality. Start cutting this to the bones. Ask yourself what is the point of each strophe? what work is it meant to do? Ask yourself am I using cliches (which are a form of shorthand that have lost their power to move us unless subverted)?
then accomplish that work in the most efficient way without sacrificing tone. Really be ruthless. Again, this is basic so let's do this in steps. One other thing take your first line and try that as your title. Then you can launch right into an image or interesting part without feeling the need to set-up. Let the title do the exposition for you.
Just some thoughts,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson