Yesterday, 06:48 AM
This is basic critique I'm not going to go line by line. I think that would be overwhelming and probably less than helpful.
I want you to read your first strophe slowly. Ask yourself how evocative is it? You have to pull the reader in with one good line after another. You have to make the words count. You have an idea here that could be good but at present it's a block of marble with the sculpture struggling to get out.
If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to take your best idea and start there. While this isn't your exact phrasing. I think it draws on your best idea.
Consider starting from this line or something around it:
Perhaps the moon is lonely.
I want you to read your first strophe slowly. Ask yourself how evocative is it? You have to pull the reader in with one good line after another. You have to make the words count. You have an idea here that could be good but at present it's a block of marble with the sculpture struggling to get out.
If I were to make a suggestion, it would be to take your best idea and start there. While this isn't your exact phrasing. I think it draws on your best idea.
Consider starting from this line or something around it:
Perhaps the moon is lonely.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson