10-18-2025, 10:28 PM
Hello! I haven't been around a while. Will gently critique what you've written here. I have to admit when reading this I had the album from X (LA) running in my mind. I spent a month in LA training in a hospital. Can't say I feel in love with city although the people were outstanding.
Here I found using apostrophe on 'right' distracting, as well caps on NEVER. Would expect that with poetry you could use language to show irony or strength of a word.
Fluorescent dreams is nice, borders on cliche but nice. I enjoy the doom scrolling type of visual here.
Having a rhyme inside this line but no other rhyme structure also is a distraction, almost seems arbitrary to do so. It's a little picky but I don't see churches as having faith so much as church members.
I like this stanza the best, could use tidying but not sure how. Apostrophe at shop's seems wrong.
Overally, this creates a feel that seems like a common enough theme of being almost lost in a large city, and trying to energize it and one's self to do something. I would say overall theme wise, it's not clear what that something is, but maybe that wasn't the point. I got busted when I first started posting here about not capitalizing every first word on each stanza. Just sayin'.
Thanks for posting this!
Mike
Quote:I have awakened in the actuality of Los Angeles
Moving with the “right” kind of courage, to be and NEVER be above
Sipping my tears while it’s sunny, playing another silent game
Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling on a website; .gov
Listing all of the people who share my name
My fluorescent dreams
Wrapping around my invisible beliefs
Quietly chanting, “I will ALWAYS be ordinary”
Here I found using apostrophe on 'right' distracting, as well caps on NEVER. Would expect that with poetry you could use language to show irony or strength of a word.
Fluorescent dreams is nice, borders on cliche but nice. I enjoy the doom scrolling type of visual here.
Quote: Through window after I wake, Los Angeles is the break
Watching, waiting on the faith of churches
My cul-de-sac is a crowded minefield of purpose
So I skip and slide through wet concrete
Locality getting lost in my outward image crease
Big Bear, Malibu, Del Rey, Culver Steps -
Enclaves that fortify sleepless days
Yet are frozen in the fringe of "kind of" LA
Having a rhyme inside this line but no other rhyme structure also is a distraction, almost seems arbitrary to do so. It's a little picky but I don't see churches as having faith so much as church members.
Quote:I have awakened with the little Los Angeles
Bourgeoisie boba shop’s still paying minimum wage (is that okay?)
People who spend every second scouting different days
Just to get through, to a higher pay, a PERFECT grade
“Pay respects, then pay up” they all internally say
We brush it off, blinded by being safe, but the life map stays -
Burdened by sacrificial expectations about now and late
So why should I indulge in the present like a treat to taste?
I like this stanza the best, could use tidying but not sure how. Apostrophe at shop's seems wrong.
Overally, this creates a feel that seems like a common enough theme of being almost lost in a large city, and trying to energize it and one's self to do something. I would say overall theme wise, it's not clear what that something is, but maybe that wasn't the point. I got busted when I first started posting here about not capitalizing every first word on each stanza. Just sayin'.
Thanks for posting this!
Mike