10-05-2025, 08:08 PM
Some ideas:
- The classical and mythological references could be more integrated and developed. The first appears out of nowhere in line 4, and there it seems tacked-on, as just a synonym for the sun - why are you choosing this particular word in this line?
- "library of Alexandria" - there is a missed opportunity here for description and imagery. You are invoking this wonderful, lost place of knowledge and wisdom, and relating it to yourself. The reader can understand that you want to say you have a rich internal life, but instead of saying "I am", you could pick out some aspect of the library, and relate it to yourself in a more descriptive way.
- Library of Alexandria should have a capital L (because it's a proper noun, and for consistency since you capitalised Helios).
- "A moth and a butterfly" - an interesting idea, (with reference to earlier feedback, you cannot be both), a line more about perception, possibility and self-knowledge than what is true. Unfortunately, you make it boring by stating "I am".
- Generally, there is an overuse of 'I' and I driven sentences - we know the poem is about 'I' from the first line. Later, you repeat 'I am' twice in the space of two lines. What a waste of precious syllables! You are telling rather than showing - is there a more imaginative way of structuring your sentences?
- But alike - somewhat awkward phrasing "I am...but alike....I am".
- "rise from the ashes" - for my taste, this is cliché and boring.
- I think the ideas and themes need more development and room to breathe than two stanzas (or you need to trim some of the metaphor, and make better use of those you choose to keep).
My suggestion for your title: heliomorphosis - playing on metamorphosis and trying to blend some of your themes earlier.
- The classical and mythological references could be more integrated and developed. The first appears out of nowhere in line 4, and there it seems tacked-on, as just a synonym for the sun - why are you choosing this particular word in this line?
- "library of Alexandria" - there is a missed opportunity here for description and imagery. You are invoking this wonderful, lost place of knowledge and wisdom, and relating it to yourself. The reader can understand that you want to say you have a rich internal life, but instead of saying "I am", you could pick out some aspect of the library, and relate it to yourself in a more descriptive way.
- Library of Alexandria should have a capital L (because it's a proper noun, and for consistency since you capitalised Helios).
- "A moth and a butterfly" - an interesting idea, (with reference to earlier feedback, you cannot be both), a line more about perception, possibility and self-knowledge than what is true. Unfortunately, you make it boring by stating "I am".
- Generally, there is an overuse of 'I' and I driven sentences - we know the poem is about 'I' from the first line. Later, you repeat 'I am' twice in the space of two lines. What a waste of precious syllables! You are telling rather than showing - is there a more imaginative way of structuring your sentences?
- But alike - somewhat awkward phrasing "I am...but alike....I am".
- "rise from the ashes" - for my taste, this is cliché and boring.
- I think the ideas and themes need more development and room to breathe than two stanzas (or you need to trim some of the metaphor, and make better use of those you choose to keep).
My suggestion for your title: heliomorphosis - playing on metamorphosis and trying to blend some of your themes earlier.