Ascetic Lite - edit

[dukealien]

Ascetic Lite


Vacant space beside one SUV
in my two-car garage,
  when compared with many
  neighbors who must scatter
  two or three in driveways
  or at curbside to conserve
  floor for multiplying goods,
makes one feel downright
austere.

original version;

Room to park one lonely car
in my two-car garage,
when compared with all
my neighbors who must leave
both cars in their driveways
or curbside to conserve
space for their possessions,
makes me feel downright
austere.

This one shows, doesn't tell, which is good:

"  two or three in driveways
  or at curbside to conserve
  floor for multiplying goods,"

two observations:
1. Wordy. Needs fewer lines.
2. Not sure what to make of it. The one SUV = author being ironic doesn't work. The complaining about how much the neighbours have is a bit over the top. In which case this reduces to just that - a whinge. I realise it's in Fun, so a whinge here is all right.

I seem to have failed to post my comment on first try, so, briefly:  not a whinge, just an observation of my neighbors' maybe-foibles balanced with a slightly arch self-criticism.

On the other topic that came up mid-thread, we do seem to be garnering a grand crop of new members this Fall, don't we?