10-02-2025, 04:11 PM
I like this a lot. I actually read it through in one big gulp – it kept my interest to the end. And the ending is good as well, changing the reader's perspective. In one word, bravo.
I don't think you need line breaks. It works as it is. There are some poets who don't use line breaks that often. Check out James Tate, for example.
There are some places in the middle that I found a little confusing. Maybe you can look at them:
- trumpets and john coltrane. This does not agree with the mental picture painted by other lines (although it's so quiet... it is so quiet)
- the "library attached" part – I could not build a mental image of what you had in mind, and you lost me for a couple of lines, until the words "to feel the velvet"
I don't think you need line breaks. It works as it is. There are some poets who don't use line breaks that often. Check out James Tate, for example.
There are some places in the middle that I found a little confusing. Maybe you can look at them:
- trumpets and john coltrane. This does not agree with the mental picture painted by other lines (although it's so quiet... it is so quiet)
- the "library attached" part – I could not build a mental image of what you had in mind, and you lost me for a couple of lines, until the words "to feel the velvet"