17

[tun]

It has been a while since I have been here, for some reason the muse just left me, no doubt in search of a more useful host, but do want to start writing again regardless.


17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones (one of those what?)
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink. (It is not clear why some nights require pissing in the sink?)

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept (She is asleep in the dream? Or she deamed while she was asleep?)
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

But the 'dad' was looking down on her in a dream and there is no logical reason to project the image related in a dream into your 'reality'. Therefore this poem refers to or depicts some sort of irrational fixation as the intended 'subject' of the poem? So you have got a romantic encounter 'infected' with a neurotic response? Is this what you were intending to depict?
17
That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.
She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her,
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead Dad
looking down on us
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.