08-31-2025, 09:26 PM
Hi Duke.
I like this. A very insightful idea but my one suggestion would be to make some of the words do more work. “Two-car” means literally space for two cars. “Family-sized” does the same but introduces humans, as well as a note of potential and absence, which you could begin to build upon to hint towards those things that are absent.
Rather than repeat “car” with “both cars” you could try “who must leave / busy lives in their driveways” and then make it “space for possessions and people”, which would land with more emotional resonance.
You have a very compact stanza but there's still room internally to make it grow.
Hope this helps. Still feeling my way around here and can't tell if I'm already posting too much or it's always this quiet.
I like this. A very insightful idea but my one suggestion would be to make some of the words do more work. “Two-car” means literally space for two cars. “Family-sized” does the same but introduces humans, as well as a note of potential and absence, which you could begin to build upon to hint towards those things that are absent.
Rather than repeat “car” with “both cars” you could try “who must leave / busy lives in their driveways” and then make it “space for possessions and people”, which would land with more emotional resonance.
You have a very compact stanza but there's still room internally to make it grow.
Hope this helps. Still feeling my way around here and can't tell if I'm already posting too much or it's always this quiet.