07-25-2025, 12:57 AM
1. Solipsistic - The problem with the modern/scientific/psychological understanding of forgiveness (focusing solely on benefits to the offended party) is that it leaves out the offender. This makes it possible to ignore or depersonalize him - scarcely an advance over, “I never want to see you again.” James Russell Lowell wrote, “The gift without the giver is bare;” forgiveness without the offender is similarly naked. Forgiveness shares its benefits between offended and offender: if the offender doesn’t request or at least acknowledge it, forgiveness is incomplete. It may even be haughty, indeed offensive, “I forgive you, but you’re such a lout there’s no point in even mentioning it to you.”
(Of course requests for forgiveness can’t be forced - one is put in mind of Doctor Maturin’s “Beg my pardon, sir, beg my pardon or you are a dead man, a dead man!” as the point of his sword drips blood into the eyes of his defeated offender. They are, however, required. As military planners must remind themselves, the enemy gets a vote.)
2. Effective - How can you tell when forgiveness is effective, even in the modern sense of promoting your own mental health? How do you know your own mind? I suggest (sincerely?) “this one trick” for making an accurate determination:
If you must
remember to
forget
you’ve not
forgiven yet.
If the wound still itches, it’s not healed.
3. Sincere - With the best will in the world, it sometimes seems impossible to forgive: one doesn’t have the mind for it. In that case, consider another trick I learned in group therapy (yes, been there) called the Insincere Gesture in the Interest of Peace. This involves doing and saying something in which you don’t believe so you can at least assuage the continuing discomfort of not having handled the situation acceptably. The result of this non-deception is amazing: you find yourself actually, sincerely believing in your forgiveness once the stress of maintaining the inadequacy ceases. A musical analog might be Anna (in the musical) pretending not be afraid only to discover that, in fact, she’s not.
Sincerity, then, can arise after the fact. Strange but true.
(Of course requests for forgiveness can’t be forced - one is put in mind of Doctor Maturin’s “Beg my pardon, sir, beg my pardon or you are a dead man, a dead man!” as the point of his sword drips blood into the eyes of his defeated offender. They are, however, required. As military planners must remind themselves, the enemy gets a vote.)
2. Effective - How can you tell when forgiveness is effective, even in the modern sense of promoting your own mental health? How do you know your own mind? I suggest (sincerely?) “this one trick” for making an accurate determination:
If you must
remember to
forget
you’ve not
forgiven yet.
If the wound still itches, it’s not healed.
3. Sincere - With the best will in the world, it sometimes seems impossible to forgive: one doesn’t have the mind for it. In that case, consider another trick I learned in group therapy (yes, been there) called the Insincere Gesture in the Interest of Peace. This involves doing and saying something in which you don’t believe so you can at least assuage the continuing discomfort of not having handled the situation acceptably. The result of this non-deception is amazing: you find yourself actually, sincerely believing in your forgiveness once the stress of maintaining the inadequacy ceases. A musical analog might be Anna (in the musical) pretending not be afraid only to discover that, in fact, she’s not.
Sincerity, then, can arise after the fact. Strange but true.
Non-practicing atheist