06-26-2025, 11:51 PM
Hello duke- been a while. Seems that maintaining control of this sonnet is messing with yer head.
It reads to me like a can't take it with you poem, by an N who puts too much value on keepsakes/toys. Perhaps writing in a person other than the N might offer some interesting counterpoint to the inanimate objects.
I think this one would work better if it colors outside the lines of the strict sonnet form. You seem to shoe-horn words in to fit the meter. If you loosen it up I think you may find a more natural, conversational rhythm that better fits the tone. Maybe this idea was just not meant to be expressed in iambic pentameter. ? Still, it's a good idea...
Build around lines and phrases like these:
I weep for things which cannot love me back– perhaps, pine for thngs
old figurines I own, toys thought to life–[/i] for me, this is the best phrase in the poem
...things I own: they shall not be
grave-goods to burn or bury in a tomb
It reads to me like a can't take it with you poem, by an N who puts too much value on keepsakes/toys. Perhaps writing in a person other than the N might offer some interesting counterpoint to the inanimate objects.
I think this one would work better if it colors outside the lines of the strict sonnet form. You seem to shoe-horn words in to fit the meter. If you loosen it up I think you may find a more natural, conversational rhythm that better fits the tone. Maybe this idea was just not meant to be expressed in iambic pentameter. ? Still, it's a good idea...
Build around lines and phrases like these:
I weep for things which cannot love me back– perhaps, pine for thngs
old figurines I own, toys thought to life–[/i] for me, this is the best phrase in the poem
...things I own: they shall not be
grave-goods to burn or bury in a tomb