The sleepless fly (?)

[Natangwe]

Hey rowens,

Thanks for the reply/critique. 

However, I am not sure I fully comprehend it. 

I understand the pace of a poem as the rhythm and speed with which the poem is read. For me, I can read the lines in a way that - at least to me - seems (mostly) rhythmic. I was considering about how to best write down the lines and thought that this two-line-style might work. Maybe it didn't or maybe the pace is just off. Let me try to rewrite the first part pace-wise:

escaping sleep,
like a fly 
escapes the grasp
of a giant.

seemingly free,
to no avail
in the abundance
of quiet dreams.

that make one feel
awake and lively,
yet broken
and frightened

of what's to come.
...

To me this reads slower and more staccato than I intended but maybe it helps the reader to pace it better? Or does the pace just not work in general?

Thanks again for your review, I really appreciate it!