05-21-2025, 06:56 AM
(05-21-2025, 12:10 AM)depressedmetalhead Wrote: I've fallen in loveIs the omen in the way darkness has blinded the speaker?
with a bomb, disguised
by glittering diamonds. At this point it could be the speaker who's disguised... but not really.
Every time I misstep perhaps "Each" for "Every?"
it ominously rumbles,
the light slowly fading away. might look for a more descriptive word than "the" - even "all"
In blindness, I failed to recognize it perhaps a semicolon here for a stronger line break?
now in idiocy, I keep it close.
I need the diamonds to live, perhaps "these diamonds"
but the bomb will surely end me.
My health lays abandoned "lies" for "lays," I think - My dog lays down the bone, then lies on the ground.
as I cradle this explosive,
desperately trying out of love
to save this bad omen. A fine twist at the end: why save a bad anything? Because I need the diamonds...
Intriguing poem. In Basic critique, the above are just suggestions (except for "lies" instead of "lays," which is a demand from my detail hobgoblin).
Hard to interpret, so hard to suggest a title. "Codependency" isn't specific enough; "Mutual Destruction" doesn't include the diamonds. To be totally referential, how about "A Marriage Made in Los Alamos?" Something that means sleeping with the enemy, but not openly.
Good one. Definitely sets the mood as ominous, threatening, and perceived as such by at least one partner.
