04-29-2025, 01:56 AM
At first reading of this poem I found great comparison to characters named Anya and Jimmy in a story-game called Mouthwashing. The inflicted self-doubt, the loss of innocence, and the will to look past one's pain are all big parts of their dynamic. I love the way you were able to create a connection in only 12 lines. Without further yappage, here is the feedback I've come up with:
My formerly untouched skin,
porcelain with youth, innocence
is pierced and dragged
by the blade of reality.
The words are carved into me:
never enough.
Before they were on my physical body
they were in my mind
placed by you,
Place is a bit of a weak verb and a tad generalized, some words that work a tad better are: supplemented or wedged
so focused on his vain reflection
and ideas of who he wishes I was
"ideas of" doesn't add anything to the line
that he never sees my bleeding.
My formerly untouched skin,
porcelain with youth, innocence
is pierced and dragged
by the blade of reality.
The words are carved into me:
never enough.
Before they were on my physical body
they were in my mind
placed by you,
Place is a bit of a weak verb and a tad generalized, some words that work a tad better are: supplemented or wedged
so focused on his vain reflection
and ideas of who he wishes I was
"ideas of" doesn't add anything to the line
that he never sees my bleeding.