04-17-2025, 07:59 AM
This reads to me like a hopped-up version of an abstract beatnik and I like it in many ways yet in others I have some doubts.
I think the main thing for me is asking what this is and what it should make me feel/think/wonder/relish or is it just sentences strung together in a hopscotch way. You can achieve great free form with rhythm or sounds and the words don't have to make too much sense. But they have to roll of the tongue then, or have meaningful stops and turns.
I like the words and the wordplays and the sentences are great but in its wholeness it loses something. The suggestions from both Poetry_Zealot and rowens are great and they both have merit but the question is - what do you want this to be?
I think the main thing for me is asking what this is and what it should make me feel/think/wonder/relish or is it just sentences strung together in a hopscotch way. You can achieve great free form with rhythm or sounds and the words don't have to make too much sense. But they have to roll of the tongue then, or have meaningful stops and turns.
I like the words and the wordplays and the sentences are great but in its wholeness it loses something. The suggestions from both Poetry_Zealot and rowens are great and they both have merit but the question is - what do you want this to be?