04-17-2025, 04:51 AM
This seems like an exercise in Imagist detail with the price tags still on it.
The last line almost makes up for that.
You could eliminate and play with some words:
Drinking songs wobble the spleen
in frog-hopping conga lines
at night with a tortoise
on the mic.
The title takes care of songs
frog takes care of hopping
It's obvious you have a mood that will allow for words like frogging.
Deletions and condensed images could be found to work throughout the poem and still allow the effect of the last line.
Unless you feel/think that the bordering on overkill detail works given the abrupt effect of the last line.
The last line almost makes up for that.
You could eliminate and play with some words:
Drinking songs wobble the spleen
in frog-hopping conga lines
at night with a tortoise
on the mic.
The title takes care of songs
frog takes care of hopping
It's obvious you have a mood that will allow for words like frogging.
Deletions and condensed images could be found to work throughout the poem and still allow the effect of the last line.
Unless you feel/think that the bordering on overkill detail works given the abrupt effect of the last line.