17

[JamesG]

Thanks for the feedback CararMellow, and I am glad you liked the poem ;0)

What about something like this?

17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those places
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay

I had originally written in the last verse

Looking down on
us fucking
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay

but took that line out as it gave the poem a harder edge that I wanted.