17

[carahmellow]

It has been a while since I have been here, for some reason the muse just left me, no doubt in search of a more useful host, but do want to start writing again regardless.


17

That night
we lay naked
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.
One of those ones - not sure on this word choice. feels a bit clunky. are you talking about the flat? the bed? the side street? 
where you always
ended up pissing
in the sink.

She told me of how
she had dreamt of
seeing her dead Dad,
benignly ectoplasmic,
hovering over her,
looking down on her, - The double "her" throws these lines off a bit. switching up the wording here might be nice. or just removing one of the lines all together.
as she slept
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay. - I really like this repeat!

I was inept but
she told me what to do
so it was fine but
all the time I thought
of her dead dad
looking down on us,
on her thin bed
in her rooftop flat
on a side street
in Torquay.

I really like this piece... it has an honesty and bluntess that really works. Its punchy, funny, and not over written. good work!
17
ThI at night in the sink.

in Torquay.