03-16-2025, 05:43 AM
(03-15-2025, 07:48 AM)carahmellow Wrote: Fury’s LoverYou've mentioned 'too many words'. I think the lines could be made shorter by simple substitutions eg.
Tears that stain my cheeks
are those of fury
in the depths of sadness.
Nerves that shake my bones
are those of rage
in the midst of anxiety.
Frowns that mark my face
are those of anger
amid grief.
In the valleys shadowed by joy’s mountains,
wrath is my ally—
the one my body yearns for,
the one my feeble hand holds
to give my fragility fortitude.
'Tears that stain my cheeks / -fury, in sadness / Nerves that shake my bones / -rage, amid anxiety' etc.
The title is a clever one.
I think a little editing can get you to your desired goal of saying more with fewer words.
just saw bryn's suggestions on the first three strophes, and they mirror mine

