03-05-2025, 06:33 AM
Hi metal-
The vertically straight list format works well, visually, in contrast with the flowing lines.
That said, 'paths' and 'lines', though different, seems a bit redundant.
I'd lose 'rooms'. I get what you mean, but it interfered with my reading, because it should read 'straightened rooms'
I suggest starting the second part more inclusively, something like, "yet we can all see the beauty..."
jagged waves? maybe 'rolling'. waves aren't jagged
bent trees ? 'bending trees' would just sound nicer than 'bent'
round cheeks ? perhaps 'rounded cheeks'
curved smiles ? smiles are curved already; that's why they're smiles; perhaps 'simple smiles'
locked fingers? perhaps 'intertwined'
our lives ? perhaps 'around our lives' as in 'fingers intertwined around our lives' or something like that
All in all this is an interesting piece. It only needs a bit of tweaking.
... Mark
The vertically straight list format works well, visually, in contrast with the flowing lines.
That said, 'paths' and 'lines', though different, seems a bit redundant.
I'd lose 'rooms'. I get what you mean, but it interfered with my reading, because it should read 'straightened rooms'
I suggest starting the second part more inclusively, something like, "yet we can all see the beauty..."
jagged waves? maybe 'rolling'. waves aren't jagged
bent trees ? 'bending trees' would just sound nicer than 'bent'
round cheeks ? perhaps 'rounded cheeks'
curved smiles ? smiles are curved already; that's why they're smiles; perhaps 'simple smiles'
locked fingers? perhaps 'intertwined'
our lives ? perhaps 'around our lives' as in 'fingers intertwined around our lives' or something like that
All in all this is an interesting piece. It only needs a bit of tweaking.
... Mark