02-23-2025, 04:13 AM
Not sure if you're still looking for feedback on this, I'm new here and trying to read back some, but I wanted to say I really like this! The feel of the short lines with simple phrasing I think really fits the theme. And I even think the alternating rhyming is alright. But I would standardize the meter to help with flow. I would stick with 5 or 6 syllables per line so they are still relatively short and sweet, but keeping that standard might help the reader get more into the flow.