02-23-2025, 03:57 AM
I generally like the flow of this, but find the first two stanzas a little more difficult to follow than the last. The first has some convoluted language that I think could be rewritten to make more sense. I appreciate the rhyming but it definitely feels forced in the first and even second stanzas. I really like the repetitive nature of the second, as it feels very pressing and urgent like the character spoken about is trying very hard to get to something, that being death. However, the rhymes still feel very forced and take me out of the narrative. I really like the final stanza. It flows even better and the metaphor comes across much better when allowed to follow whatever form it wants to take. Overall, I think it's very poignant and I like it a lot, just a few tweaks and it could be spectacular.