02-09-2025, 01:13 AM
I agree with the previous comment on working it backwards! I think that might strengthen the ending a bit, though I like the turn in the conversation that's in the poem. It seems like this is all being composed right as your partner comes home. The title is certainly eye catching!
Domesticity
I worked hard today
as a woman at home.
Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,
wood floors mopped,
garbages hauled.
I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest. The rhythm is weird here, as has been noted in other comments
But when your car
rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive. Hmmm, maybe the nest metaphor could be continued? or just stronger language to indicate the stress that's being felt?
Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove. I feel as though this line could be stronger in language? I feel like the issue being addressed could be stated in a way that brings out more of the underlying emotion
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree, I love this line! it's a quick, well known reference and evokes a whole series of thoughts in just a few words. It is a little confusing though. Is sound coming from the tree what you need? Or is it the perception of the sound? Or is that the question you want the reader to ask anyways and I just restated it??
gratitude is validated This line is a bit strange, rhythmically speaking. A different word choice from "validated" may serve you here?
when being perceived.
[/quote]
Domesticity
I worked hard today
as a woman at home.
Laundry and dishes,
all alone.
Dinner is prepped,
dentists are called,
wood floors mopped,
garbages hauled.
I relaxed for a moment,
took a light rest;
I work past five,
as the steward of our nest. The rhythm is weird here, as has been noted in other comments
But when your car
rolls into the drive,
I jump to my feet,
into chores I dive. Hmmm, maybe the nest metaphor could be continued? or just stronger language to indicate the stress that's being felt?
Even though you assure me
and know how I move,
self-doubt makes me feel
like I have something to prove. I feel as though this line could be stronger in language? I feel like the issue being addressed could be stated in a way that brings out more of the underlying emotion
I need sound to come
from my lone falling tree, I love this line! it's a quick, well known reference and evokes a whole series of thoughts in just a few words. It is a little confusing though. Is sound coming from the tree what you need? Or is it the perception of the sound? Or is that the question you want the reader to ask anyways and I just restated it??
gratitude is validated This line is a bit strange, rhythmically speaking. A different word choice from "validated" may serve you here?
when being perceived.
[/quote]