01-14-2025, 04:48 AM
Hi Pebbel Lady,
The repetition definitely didn't work for me, even if you use it in order to reflect the repetition of waves in the sea. For me, it just gave a monotonous impression that made the language less dynamic overall. There definitely needs to be some kind of development of the theme. For example, what is behind the speaker's desire to be taken by the sea? Is it a suicidal wish or a more sensual experience that's sought? (As drowning is directly mentioned, I'm getting it's the former, not the latter.) I would like to get more of a sense of who the speaker of the poem is. I also wonder if setting the poem in a concrete place would help. Did you picture a specific place that you know? Could you name it in the poem? What else is there?
Would you be interested in turning it into a more surreal piece? Could a journey be involved, transporting the speaker to some other place?
Thanks for sharing,
Trevor
The repetition definitely didn't work for me, even if you use it in order to reflect the repetition of waves in the sea. For me, it just gave a monotonous impression that made the language less dynamic overall. There definitely needs to be some kind of development of the theme. For example, what is behind the speaker's desire to be taken by the sea? Is it a suicidal wish or a more sensual experience that's sought? (As drowning is directly mentioned, I'm getting it's the former, not the latter.) I would like to get more of a sense of who the speaker of the poem is. I also wonder if setting the poem in a concrete place would help. Did you picture a specific place that you know? Could you name it in the poem? What else is there?
Would you be interested in turning it into a more surreal piece? Could a journey be involved, transporting the speaker to some other place?
Thanks for sharing,
Trevor