Sea Swallow Me (Tw;slight violence)
#3
(12-16-2024, 11:23 AM)Pebbel~Lady Wrote:  Sea swallow me,
drag me under the waves,
ferocious and cold.   …. adjectives are best avoided. These are also cliched

Otherwise, nice start 

Sea swallow me whole,
thrash me against the rocks
and cut my skin. ….. thrashing against the rocks does more than cut skin…this feels out of place 
Drag me down and consume my lungs
with your salty waters … nice. Salt water does eat away at things 

Sea hold me,
sting my eyes and wipe them clean
cradle and caress me before you let go

Sea,
draw out the chill in my bones, … ‘chill in my bones’ is cliche
gouge out my gut 
and rip me in half if you must … at this point it’s just becoming a list

Sea let go
you can't hold me so
I can't warm your vast waters
you only yell
and I can only listen …. This bit isn’t related to anything that came before. The sea yelling and the poet listening is unrelated to how it gouges the narrator’s stomach and thrashes him against the rocks  

Sea swallow me,
drown me, 
take me down.

Let me go.
There’s a good start, but no development of the same basic idea. Perhaps something to consider for a revision.
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RE: Sea Swallow Me (Tw;slight violence) - by busker - 12-16-2024, 09:51 PM



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