12-16-2024, 11:12 AM
I really like your poem, especially since birds are just little guys, but I'm unsure of your flow. I don't know if this makes sense, but some of the sentences feel like they don't flow well together(?), it may just be my brain being itchy and scratchy. honestly just Specifically the first stanza of the poem.
"I ventured into
their world, the awful clamor
and raptor-faces."
maybe the "the" could be "of" instead, so it be more like,
"I ventured into
their world, of awful clamor
and raptor-faces."
In the original, the "the" throws me off guard and kind of ruins the sentence structure for me. (also apologies, this is my first time making a "critique",I guess, so I'm unsure if this is how it's supposed to be done) But good work!
"I ventured into
their world, the awful clamor
and raptor-faces."
maybe the "the" could be "of" instead, so it be more like,
"I ventured into
their world, of awful clamor
and raptor-faces."
In the original, the "the" throws me off guard and kind of ruins the sentence structure for me. (also apologies, this is my first time making a "critique",I guess, so I'm unsure if this is how it's supposed to be done) But good work!
keep it shrimple my crustacean nation, living is the most simple thing you can do! Wahoo!!