Hi IkeAntic,
I think you have a lot going here. The poem contains obvious emotional energy and gives some good context to allow the reader to travel through the author's experience. I do think that there could be some improvement in focus by rearranging some lines and cutting others that might help tighten the piece to bring maximum impact. I will try to explain what I mean below with some comments after.
So I hope you found the above comments helpful. None of this is dogma. It is your poem. My comments are only as helpful as you think they are. If anything, I think the ending needs the most work as right now it is preachy, though I do really like L1, S8. I didn't get into your choice of formatting of the stanzas, but I would look at that too, but I've given you a lot of changes regarding rearrangement so that can wait. The title could also be better utilized to give context, feeling, etc.
Like I said, you've got something here. Keep at it.
Bryn
I think you have a lot going here. The poem contains obvious emotional energy and gives some good context to allow the reader to travel through the author's experience. I do think that there could be some improvement in focus by rearranging some lines and cutting others that might help tighten the piece to bring maximum impact. I will try to explain what I mean below with some comments after.
(12-10-2024, 01:02 AM)IkeAntic Wrote: Mom worked at the hospital. If you just add that mom work nights at the hospital you could cut next line.Hi again,
We were alone at night If you keep the we, needs more context such as, my brother/sibling/sister and I, etc. Then move this lower to context of S3
Dad was in the Navy, consider given above...'While Dad was away in the Navy/
traveling, killing people. This also needs more context, specifically about timing. Viet nam, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc, but maybe not...
Dinner was packaged on foil trays. In this stanza the author could add some personal details, such as their favorite, least favorite, how did they feel, the situation (TV trays watching some show, etc)
Wienies and beans. Salisbury steak.
One night the cat's food
caught on fire in the oven.
The neighbor ran over to put it out.
She died soon after - lung cancer. These two stanza are a bit out of context with the rest of the poem, not being in your head. Right now I would cut. your call.
I took up smoking as a teen. Here the heart of the poem begins. You could add here in subtle ways that would better convey the author's experience. Things that would lead into the next two stanzas. Dig deep.
Stealing cigs from shops, hiding
them under a neighbor's porch.
We thought we were cool, but
time eroded that assumption. recommend making the lines more direct, such as 'an assumption eroded/by time.'
We are the sum of our actions, This idea needs to be a question, in fact the entire ending needs to be a question, a searching for answers. otherwise I fear it will sound preachy.
spread over time. The past is past,
disappearing like smoke rings into thin air. this is cliche and unnecessary, ie implied by disappearing like smoke.
Today was tomorrow yesterday. I think these last two stanzas could be combined with this line being the first line. One reason I would combine is they basically say the same thing.
Regrets are a waste of time, cliche, see below
wisps of smoke in the night. trust the image and don't try to explain
So I hope you found the above comments helpful. None of this is dogma. It is your poem. My comments are only as helpful as you think they are. If anything, I think the ending needs the most work as right now it is preachy, though I do really like L1, S8. I didn't get into your choice of formatting of the stanzas, but I would look at that too, but I've given you a lot of changes regarding rearrangement so that can wait. The title could also be better utilized to give context, feeling, etc.
Like I said, you've got something here. Keep at it.
Bryn