Attack (revised)

[Gerryswo]

Revised:

A chill runs up my back

Like an angry train clacking down a track   This comparison doesn't quite sit right with me. Trains are not angry. Additionally, the word clacking doesn't really                                                                     have any angry connotations. The two words kind of cancel each other out. Maybe something like "like the jarring                                                                     thumping of an approaching train."

Jarring and unwanted                              I though the passage could use some commas at the end of each line. 
Cutting through the whole of my soul
Dividing east from west                            I wonder if this line is necessary. Souls don't really have compas points.
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden                             I feel like the burden needs to be described here.

Mapping out history's problems                 This sentence seems to drift from your train metaphor
There is no sense in solving

Iron nailed down                                                                        
Trusses trembling
Under unbearable
Unstoppable weight                                   Here it feels like you've shifted your metaphor from that of a train to the bridge over which it travels. A bit confusing                                                                  to me.

I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again              Nice wordplay here, using similar words and word sounds to get the reader's attention.
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my battered bones                              I liked your poem's narrative and its general flow, but I thought it drifted a little bit and could use a little tightening.



Original version:

A chill runs up my back
Like an angry train rolling down a track
Jarring and unwanted
Running through the whole of my soul
Divided east to west
Descending into Dissonance
Bludgeoned by burden
Mapping out history's problems
There is no sense in solving
Iron nailed down
Trusses trembling
Under insurmountable
Unstoppable weight
I am
Dismembered
Tensely remembering
Your touch
Refusal was no refuge
Shrill screams through silence again
Still
The juggernaut keeps chugging
Along my weary bones