Mustard Poem

[brynmawr1]

I don't very much like   with kindness I say, Yoda speak it is.  Seriously, I think cutting the 'very much' works just fine. Or just use normal syntax
what poems say when   move 'when' to next line
I put mustard on-my hot dog.  Consider...when I put my mustard on.  cutting the hot dog part

They make a noise like  Poems    best to avoid pronouns when possible
the bottle does ('fthplffthhhhth')
but are much less discreet.

Poems make a noise,
('fthplffthhhhth'),
like the bottle does
but much less discreet.

(at   least     good slant rhyme 
                     you   good separation to emphasize the turn but not without problems
              don't have     to
   s h    a  k    e   like the form for function here
                them quite  these next lines could be compressed, and I think more effective.  Here the ambiguity of 'them' works
          as
                  hard      to
        get anything
                to
              come
               out)

eg...them quite as hard
to get anything...   using whatever white space you find satisfying

Hey SD75,
Welcome to the Pen.  Kudos to you for following the rules and actually providing a critique before posting.  I enjoyed the first two stanza very much, very original IMO.  That's not to say the rest isn't good just not as for me.  The turn gets a little obscure, meaning there is some abruptness of the new 'you', which I don't mind but then nothing that clarifies.  My take is this a nice masturbation poem, with a partner   , or 'you' is just a better poet or just better with condiments.  The solutions vary depending on your intent.
Well that's all I got for now.
Take care,
Bryn